Angeleigh's my alter-ego.

Angeleigh's my alter-ego

At the brink of adulthood, when you're no longer a child yet not quite an adult, you often think you've seen it all. The trial and tribulations of adolescence sure twist us into balls of delusion. First loves; moodswings; cliques... life was suddenly one big mess - a huge difference from the primary school days of Barbie dolls. This awful transition has got me so jaded, I was fooled into believing that I'd experienced the worst. Yet each time I thought I was at the lowest, I was proven wrong.

The childhood days of being so naively determined with regards to what I wanted to become are achingly sweet memories, even if I was changing my mind every other day. A teacher; an air stewardess; a doctor; a hotel manager; a singer... the list is infinite.

It took me months to convince my dad that the poly route was what I really wanted. And I was elated when I started at TP. A new identity; a new environment; new friends... a whole new life. But as the days passed me by, as much as I enjoy the course, I had doubts as to whether I was headed in the right direction. The initial interest I had in Hospitality wore off with each part-time F&B job I took up, and I started realising that perhaps I wasn't cut out for the service industry.


My interests started evolving. Until last year, I was pretty sure I wanted to make it in journalism. But then, the setbacks came. I didn't hear from the organizers of a contest I was confident of winning. An article I wrote which was promised to be published never was. Even doing not as well as I'd expected on some stupid Emode English literacy quiz got me down.
With each setback, my zest for writing waned, and I started questioning my abilities. I started blogging less, and my passion for playing with words diminished.
Despite the jaded attitude, I recently volunteered to come up with the storyboard for my Saffron theme week. Up till the point when I was sitting in front of the computer trying to come up with a poem, I was unsure. I was insecure and my mind was fogged. But when inspiration struck, I rode on its wave, and the fruit of that has reignited my passion.

I can't say I've made up my mind about what I want. And I don't think I'd be able to in a long time. In the past few years, I've tried to create different identities for myself. The self-assured babe. The boho babe. The urban girl. The deep thinker. The social butterfly. I just didn't want to be ordinary me. My dad was incredulous when I told him I'm now "Angeleigh". (I'll go into the story of how I manipulated my name another time.) I hate to admit this, but I was just trying too hard. Truth is, I can't categorize myself into any of the above, 'cos deep inside, I am a little of each, and I've got many parts to myself I've yet to discover.

I've grown quite abit this week, but I am not gonna be deluded to say that I've grown up totally. One never does stop growing till the day he dies doesn't he? I've learnt to accept that I am still finding my way, and to accept the directionless me. I'm learning that it's okay to be unsure of what I want, and to be comfortable in my own skin. And after years of denial and escapism, I am finally comfortable with being "Angelina". It'd be stupid to shed "Angeleigh" away like I'm some kinda snake, but it sure is liberating to embrace the identity I was given but too deluded to embrace. Thus the title - Angeleigh's my alter-ego.