Looking back on 2009.

Looking back on 2009.


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The thing about growing older (and no longer growing up) is that the years start to pass a little too quickly, and the passing of time starts to get a little too blurry. It is often with a little jolt that I answer a question about my age, for my memory often gets lodged at 19. Am I already 23 going on 24?

Yet while time hurtles by me, I find myself catching sight of the constants: the people who have found their footing beside me while I whirled through life, along with passions that have endured my fickle youth. Some comfort, some surprise, some are absent.

These are the elements I know I can turn to whenever life threatens to catapult me into craziness. The people who at times know me better than I know myself; the written word I fall back on ever so often to make sense of the world; the insatiable wanderlust. But with age I've come to realize, and accept, that nobody and nothing is really constant, except an accepting me to an ever-changing me. I used to think that the power of 'I' was a self-centered and selfish concept, but I have come to realize that it is actually the most enduring one.

Though it certainly hasn't been that great a year, 2009 has been anything but uneventful. I started the year in a happy bubble, having started an amazing writing internship and re-appreciating being around my family. In the past five months however, watching my brother's painful struggle for life and the sorrow of the people around him has been taxing to say the least, and more than enough impetus to coax me out of that blissful state. 2009 has at certain points been very trying, but it has also brought with it some long-awaited opportunities and lessons on life.

Here's what I learnt in 2009:

• Life and its many elements are transient. At the risk of sounding pseudo Zen-ish, I have learnt to significantly relinquish attachment and possession, and to treat loss with a "it is what it is meant to be" attitude. Some call it denial, but I prefer to term it "life goes on".
  
  
• Opportunities will arise, but it takes work, luck and often a keen eye to recognize and sieze them.
  
  
• Some feelings will possibly never cease. Bolting the doors is a conscious decision made by the mind and will, not a testing game of patience.
  
  
• I am no longer the baby girl and instead at times, now the acting head of the family. From being the protected one, I am now the protective one who at times has to play devil's advocate for the interests of my loved ones. It's a little easier now that my sis is in town, but it is a reality that I am starting to take on the responsibilities of my family's well-being.
  
  
• It is not always wise to wear my heart on my sleeve. Privacy, especially in the age of social media, is underrated.
  

And of course, 2009 has also reiterated several previous beliefs:

• Compartmentalization is key. The world doesn't stop spinning for anyone or anything. Grieving is best done in contained pockets. Life goes on, and it is still beautiful despite the smudges.
  
  
• Curiosity is vital for both professional and personal growth.
  
  
• Traveling and writing is the best way to get to an everchanging self I sometimes feel I cannot keep up with.
  

I've spent the past four years in university waiting impatiently for something, perhaps life, to happen. Now that I'm barely five months from graduation, a mix of anticipation and hesitation bubbles in my stomach. Can my passion be my livelihood? Which passion should I pursue? The wait is coming to an end and unlike the hopes and daydreams easily changeable with a flick of the mind, reality brings with it choices and possibly sacrifices.

Some I will make right now, when I am equal parts green and jaded; having seen enough to make conscious decisions yet not having seen much at all to still hunger for more. Others I hope I will make with greater wisdom and a stronger sense of self.

So Happy New Year in advance dear readers. May 2010 bring you lots of joy, laughter and the wisdom to enjoy it all.