Have you ever recognized the smell of change? An unusually strong breeze accompanied the evening sunshine on my way out. I slowed my pace and turned my face up to the sky for a brief moment, the smell of the wind transporting me back to evenings at Temasek Polytechnic. Gymming with Cat, strolling along the tennis courts with aching limbs and freshly washed hair, late night IG meetings, dinners at the kopitiam across the school...
My poly years didn't seem that far away, but it's actually been almost three years since graduation. My Indian exchange has apparently robbed me of all ability to keep track of time. Dinner with my CPM babes and our unchanging choice of crude topics made me feel 19 all over again, but speaking with an old friend on my way home made me realize how much I've changed.
Still gossipy, still slutty, still scandalous.
I came home, flopped onto the couch, and had a chat with my auntie with the Asian Food Channel on mute. I spoke about what I wanted, what I didn't know if I wanted, and asked her if she thought I've changed. "Since India. You've grown up, became less manja." She was the second person who'd made reference to my past tantrums that night and it made me cringe. I must have been quite a menace.
She didn't say much but when she did, her observations were astoundingly astute. "You think I don't know why you travel so much? It's because you really wanted to get away from what was happening here."
She's partially right. Traveling did start off as a need to get away, and foreign sights began as distractions to a cobweb of thoughts. Over time however, they have evolved into a ball of insatiable wanderlust at the pit of my belly. The urge to see and experience some place new seems to only grow with time, and I finally confided that I've been thinking of working abroad when I graduate, should the opportunity arise.
"But you will have to settle down eventually. You can't just keep traveling." She hasn't said it aloud in its entirety, but I know that she dreams of me getting a stable job and meeting someone who would make me settle down.
One day I would, I assured her, thinking how ironic it was that those dreams were once mine when I was 19.
picture from thescarlette.livejournal.com
I haven't got it all figured out, but maybe some things are better and more beautiful without an answer. Four more days to Bali. Though excited, a stray strand of dread unsettles me. I have thus drafted emails, and will be trusting a close friend with my mail account. Just in case.
No comments:
Post a Comment