"Once when my younger heart was broken, your shoulder was there to cry on.
Sing me those songs I know will linger, long after you have gone."
He never had to use harsh words or to hold a cane in his hand, but his strong silence was very effective in keeping a young, feisty girl in check. I used to think that I feared him, all those nights I stayed past my curfew and stared at my ringing phone with trepidation, but now that I've grown up, I realised that it wasn't fear that had me scurrying home. It was respect.
Something he told me when I was really young has stuck with me all these years. I was no more than 9, and it was just another ordinary night at the dinner table. I can't remember the context of our conversation, but I do remember him turning to me and saying, very matter-of-factly. "Respect is something that has to be earned, not given. For example, I want you to call me papa because you respect me, not because you have to."
We've had our differences – we still do – for I've made some unconventional choices through the years. But in his quiet way he's stood by me through all of it – sending me off at the airport to India (muttering under his breath about the dangers of an uncharted land), sending me off at the airport to Paris (grumbling about the strange Frenchman who stole my heart), and rubbing my shoulders in comfort when I returned home from a trip sobbing over a heartbreak (no, not the Frenchman). Very calmly, he put down the evening papers and held out his arms when I dropped my backpack at the front door.
In recent years, I feel like we've swopped roles, now that his strength is gradually slipping away with age. But when I slipped my hand into his this morning as we walked home from breakfast, I felt it – the rock-steady spirit I know I can always rely on, even when he doesn't look it.
Isn't he amazing?
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Saturdays at the Khoos.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Mixed tape medley.
Mixed tape medley.
"When I would play my song
You used to sing along.
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.
I’m sorry I can’t steal you
I’m sorry I can’t stay
So I put band-aids on your knees
And watch you fly away.
I’m sending you away tonight
I’ll put you on a bird’s strong wing
I’m saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing."
The song struck a chord when my brother first got hospitalized, but I had listened to it countless times since with nary a tear. Last night however, the lyrics took on a life of their own and twisted their lyrical limbs around my heart. The pain shot through the armor of indifference I've settled into and for the first time, I felt the loss.
To all my friends to have smiled and laughed with me in the past weeks, thank you for moving me along and for allowing me to forget. To wooka, thank you for knowing and understanding, even when I didn't, the need for emotional catharsis.
Last Friday, a friend passed me a CD of songs with instructions to hole myself in my room and listen from track 1 to 20. I attempted to do just that on Sunday night, but distraction came in the form of writing and the music was soon relegated to become the haunting background for my idea generation.
Yesterday, I finally settled into the couch to pay my full attention to the songs, some of which were already consistent favorites on my playlist. I listened, and I suppose on some subconscious level, I internalized for when Ingrid Michaelson's A Bird's Song snuck up unexpectedly on my own playlist in the late night, I bawled like a baby.
"When I would play my song
You used to sing along.
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.
I’m sorry I can’t steal you
I’m sorry I can’t stay
So I put band-aids on your knees
And watch you fly away.
I’m sending you away tonight
I’ll put you on a bird’s strong wing
I’m saving you the best way I know how
I hope again one day to hear you sing."
The song struck a chord when my brother first got hospitalized, but I had listened to it countless times since with nary a tear. Last night however, the lyrics took on a life of their own and twisted their lyrical limbs around my heart. The pain shot through the armor of indifference I've settled into and for the first time, I felt the loss.
To all my friends to have smiled and laughed with me in the past weeks, thank you for moving me along and for allowing me to forget. To wooka, thank you for knowing and understanding, even when I didn't, the need for emotional catharsis.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Coping mechanisms.
Coping mechanisms.
An air of lethargy has settled over the family. A million things and a thousand loose ends demand our attention, but we can't seem to get down to settling anything concrete.
There's neither bawling nor weeping. In fact, there haven't been any tears except for the occasional damp eye in the wee hours of the morning when the house is dark and quiet. My brother never lived with us, except for a short while after his first surgery; but I see him everywhere in my mind's eye.
On the couch with that hideous orange Hawaiian shirt and thick nerdy glasses; by the window grilling the pineapples for Mother's Day; intentionally shoveling chips into his mouth as I workout on the eliptical...
I'm not sure I can face reality.
An air of lethargy has settled over the family. A million things and a thousand loose ends demand our attention, but we can't seem to get down to settling anything concrete.
There's neither bawling nor weeping. In fact, there haven't been any tears except for the occasional damp eye in the wee hours of the morning when the house is dark and quiet. My brother never lived with us, except for a short while after his first surgery; but I see him everywhere in my mind's eye.
On the couch with that hideous orange Hawaiian shirt and thick nerdy glasses; by the window grilling the pineapples for Mother's Day; intentionally shoveling chips into his mouth as I workout on the eliptical...
I'm not sure I can face reality.
Monday, February 08, 2010
Death and other lessons in life.
Death and other lessons in life.
The thing about losing a loved one is that it takes you completely by surprise, even if you've had the past six months to prepare yourself for it.
A part of me went, "I knew it!" when the phone call came in on Thursday morning, telling us that my brother's condition had taken a turn for the worse. The other part went cold when my mother went on to tell us that he was braindead. I can't say I hadn't expected this, not when he hasn't woken up from his coma in three months. I can't say I expected it either, for he had made it through so many major surgeries and was just about to be transferred into a nursing home.
Time passed by in a blur at the hospital, where family and friends debated the accuracy of the prognosis. It was difficult to get our heads around the fact that he was brain dead. The man on the bed looked like he was asleep as he had been the past three months; he couldn't be brain dead. "The doctor said he is," was my only reply for science offered the most logical evidence. However, his pressure remained lowish but constant and I left the hospital late that first night asking myself the very same question.
His pressure fell to the 50s and miraculously rose back up to the 60s within hours on Friday, and we started to think that he could make it through the new year. My heart stopped jumping into my throat each time the phone rang when I was away from the ward, and life seemed almost normal again on Saturday morning. "I don't think it'll be within these two days at least," my mom said coolly as we sat on the couch at home, neither of us in a hurry to go to the hospital.
And then, the phone rang again. It was the hospital, telling us that his pressure had fallen to 64 and that his breathing was becoming increasingly shallow. "I've been scared too many times by them. It was in the 50s yesterday afternoon but it rose didn't it. I'm not gonna let them scare me," my mom said. So the parents enjoyed a leisure breakfast before heading down, while I waited at home for my aunt to return from her errands and for my sister to wake up. The call came barely 30 minutes later. "He can't make it, you can come down now."
And that was it. My brother's gone.
A part of me is still in denial. My final year project's marketing stunt kept me occupied for most of the weekend, while my best friends rallied around me to fill the empty gaps. I've succumbed only to short cries mostly in the privacy of home and loved ones, and the endless streams of friends filled the funeral with more laughter than tears. In fact, the entire wake right down to his cremation felt entirely surreal.
I can't seem to come to terms yet that I've lost my only brother and this impassiveness scares me.
The thing about losing a loved one is that it takes you completely by surprise, even if you've had the past six months to prepare yourself for it.
A part of me went, "I knew it!" when the phone call came in on Thursday morning, telling us that my brother's condition had taken a turn for the worse. The other part went cold when my mother went on to tell us that he was braindead. I can't say I hadn't expected this, not when he hasn't woken up from his coma in three months. I can't say I expected it either, for he had made it through so many major surgeries and was just about to be transferred into a nursing home.
Time passed by in a blur at the hospital, where family and friends debated the accuracy of the prognosis. It was difficult to get our heads around the fact that he was brain dead. The man on the bed looked like he was asleep as he had been the past three months; he couldn't be brain dead. "The doctor said he is," was my only reply for science offered the most logical evidence. However, his pressure remained lowish but constant and I left the hospital late that first night asking myself the very same question.
His pressure fell to the 50s and miraculously rose back up to the 60s within hours on Friday, and we started to think that he could make it through the new year. My heart stopped jumping into my throat each time the phone rang when I was away from the ward, and life seemed almost normal again on Saturday morning. "I don't think it'll be within these two days at least," my mom said coolly as we sat on the couch at home, neither of us in a hurry to go to the hospital.
And then, the phone rang again. It was the hospital, telling us that his pressure had fallen to 64 and that his breathing was becoming increasingly shallow. "I've been scared too many times by them. It was in the 50s yesterday afternoon but it rose didn't it. I'm not gonna let them scare me," my mom said. So the parents enjoyed a leisure breakfast before heading down, while I waited at home for my aunt to return from her errands and for my sister to wake up. The call came barely 30 minutes later. "He can't make it, you can come down now."
And that was it. My brother's gone.
A part of me is still in denial. My final year project's marketing stunt kept me occupied for most of the weekend, while my best friends rallied around me to fill the empty gaps. I've succumbed only to short cries mostly in the privacy of home and loved ones, and the endless streams of friends filled the funeral with more laughter than tears. In fact, the entire wake right down to his cremation felt entirely surreal.
I can't seem to come to terms yet that I've lost my only brother and this impassiveness scares me.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Bleak.
Bleak.
Words fail to describe the crippling pain that engulfs when you lose a loved one. I haven't experienced that since my grandmother passed away when I was nine, and we weren't even that close. However, the man slowly fading from my grasp is someone who's stood by me all these years. He's the person I call whenever I need company on a Saturday night, and the one who patiently endures my romantic grievances over coffee and carrot cake.
Seeing him barely lucid on the bed and a fraction of his jovial self leaves me helpless, but praying for him to have the strength to endure more pain seems ironically inhumane.
Would it be right to instead ask for his liberation?
Words fail to describe the crippling pain that engulfs when you lose a loved one. I haven't experienced that since my grandmother passed away when I was nine, and we weren't even that close. However, the man slowly fading from my grasp is someone who's stood by me all these years. He's the person I call whenever I need company on a Saturday night, and the one who patiently endures my romantic grievances over coffee and carrot cake.
Seeing him barely lucid on the bed and a fraction of his jovial self leaves me helpless, but praying for him to have the strength to endure more pain seems ironically inhumane.
Would it be right to instead ask for his liberation?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Limbo.
Limbo.
The first came as a shock, the second quite abruptly. The subsequent three brought surprise and resignation. I've skirted around the issue of visiting since my return, and just when I braced myself for today's visit, came the sixth this morning.
Numb seems appropriate yet inappropriate an emotion. The anxiety from the initial stages have ebbed but it is not quite indifference we are feeling even though we've been living in a limbo for awhile now.
What can we do, but wait?
The first came as a shock, the second quite abruptly. The subsequent three brought surprise and resignation. I've skirted around the issue of visiting since my return, and just when I braced myself for today's visit, came the sixth this morning.
Numb seems appropriate yet inappropriate an emotion. The anxiety from the initial stages have ebbed but it is not quite indifference we are feeling even though we've been living in a limbo for awhile now.
What can we do, but wait?
Friday, August 21, 2009
Un-expectations.
Un-expectations.
Reality beckons, and some surprising news has put my "what will be will be" attitude in its place. I've been pretty good at compartmentalizing my life and my emotions but I suspect that will change when my brother moves back in with us. I'm not sure what to do and if there is even anything I can do, yet I can't not worry about the things I have no control over.
I think I would be even more unsettled if not for my sleepy state and the fact that I'm reeling a little from P's easy promise that I would be taken care of even if it meant selling the car. I haven't allowed myself to believe in a romantic utopia since my naive ideals were dashed three years ago, and all that wanderlust has taught me to enjoy my independence and the freedom of coming and going as I pleased. In fact, I remember telling a close friend that I could not imagine cutting down on traveling, and the whole humdrum of compromises and finding the middle ground to accommodate another person in my life right now.
Needless to say, I never expected to fall in love quite so soon, much less with someone who's willing to do whatever it takes for my happiness. Despite that numerous fires waiting to be put out by us, I've learnt that love is meant to be easy. And while my spark of wanderlust still burns, I never want to be away for too long and P is yet another reason to come home.
Reality beckons, and some surprising news has put my "what will be will be" attitude in its place. I've been pretty good at compartmentalizing my life and my emotions but I suspect that will change when my brother moves back in with us. I'm not sure what to do and if there is even anything I can do, yet I can't not worry about the things I have no control over.
I think I would be even more unsettled if not for my sleepy state and the fact that I'm reeling a little from P's easy promise that I would be taken care of even if it meant selling the car. I haven't allowed myself to believe in a romantic utopia since my naive ideals were dashed three years ago, and all that wanderlust has taught me to enjoy my independence and the freedom of coming and going as I pleased. In fact, I remember telling a close friend that I could not imagine cutting down on traveling, and the whole humdrum of compromises and finding the middle ground to accommodate another person in my life right now.
Needless to say, I never expected to fall in love quite so soon, much less with someone who's willing to do whatever it takes for my happiness. Despite that numerous fires waiting to be put out by us, I've learnt that love is meant to be easy. And while my spark of wanderlust still burns, I never want to be away for too long and P is yet another reason to come home.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Paying for the future.
Paying for the future.
The sane reaction to my brother's recent hospitalization? Get myself insured.
I've been extremely touched by the well wishes and prayers from friends, some of whom I haven't spoken to for a long time. My brother is recuperating well and getting a tad grouchy from being stuck in a room with minimal entertainment, so that's good news. :)
The sane reaction to my brother's recent hospitalization? Get myself insured.
I've been extremely touched by the well wishes and prayers from friends, some of whom I haven't spoken to for a long time. My brother is recuperating well and getting a tad grouchy from being stuck in a room with minimal entertainment, so that's good news. :)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Two pictorial Saturdays.
Two pictorial Saturdays.


CH and I went riverside walking last Saturday with a total of 16 bucks and no credit card in our pockets. We could eat like paupers at a very crowded Epicurious, but we decided we would very much rather eat like royalty in a hawker centre. Our quest for traditional kaya roti ended rather uneventfully at Chinatown food centre. Vaguely unsatisfied, I returned to Epicurious with Ceci today for a lazy afternoon tea date since Jinli and I weren't selected for the Angels & Demons game. There goes our free trip to Rome!







We decided we would share an apartment in the Robertson neighborhood. Either in her dream condo right above the cafes, or my dream apartment with the barbecue terrace by the river. Whichever we can afford first!




Ceci zipped off for her Angels & Demons premiere (sigh, rub it in babe!) while I met up with my brother for dinner and A LOT of gossiping. We drove rather aimlessly through Portsdown and Dempsey, but nothing quite struck our fancy so we ended up at Spruce. AGAIN. I wasn't silly enough to be disappointed by the burger another time, so we ended up sharing fish & chips and a toast platter. And the chocolate chip cookies.
I'm due to teach in eight hours, so it's time to finish planning tomorrow's Mothers' Day dinner and snuggle up. Ecks, where did my Saturday go???
CH and I went riverside walking last Saturday with a total of 16 bucks and no credit card in our pockets. We could eat like paupers at a very crowded Epicurious, but we decided we would very much rather eat like royalty in a hawker centre. Our quest for traditional kaya roti ended rather uneventfully at Chinatown food centre. Vaguely unsatisfied, I returned to Epicurious with Ceci today for a lazy afternoon tea date since Jinli and I weren't selected for the Angels & Demons game. There goes our free trip to Rome!
We decided we would share an apartment in the Robertson neighborhood. Either in her dream condo right above the cafes, or my dream apartment with the barbecue terrace by the river. Whichever we can afford first!
Ceci zipped off for her Angels & Demons premiere (sigh, rub it in babe!) while I met up with my brother for dinner and A LOT of gossiping. We drove rather aimlessly through Portsdown and Dempsey, but nothing quite struck our fancy so we ended up at Spruce. AGAIN. I wasn't silly enough to be disappointed by the burger another time, so we ended up sharing fish & chips and a toast platter. And the chocolate chip cookies.
I'm due to teach in eight hours, so it's time to finish planning tomorrow's Mothers' Day dinner and snuggle up. Ecks, where did my Saturday go???
Monday, January 26, 2009
Noisy dinners and crowded streets.
Noisy dinners and crowded streets.





It's been my most traditional Lunar New Year to date because... I went jostling with the crowds at Chinatown last night! The initial plan was to head down at late 10ish when the hawkers start slashing the prices and to usher in the new year at midnight, but my mom informed me that the new year actually starts at 11pm. I've always been told not to wash my hair on the first day of the new year as it signified washing away bad luck, but I've never practised it because it makes me feel unclean. However, since I've already gone all out with the new clothes and red undies this year, I figured that I'd might as well go all the way this year. That meant that I had to be home with my hair washed before 11pm.
So CH and I squeezed our way into the packed alleys at 9ish after our individual reunions dinners, and I had lots of fun soaking in the festive atmosphere. The air was cool, the crowds were happy, and the hawkers were going all out with their sales rhymes. “一块,一块, 通通都卖一块。 一块, 一块,连我也卖一块!” That last bit had the aunties giggling. I went a tad overboard with the mochi buying, and ended up lugging home two boxes plus a huge plastic bag of assorted flavors. A huge bowl of them will be the centerpiece tomorrow at our annual open house.
Earlier this evening after morning visitings and my afternoon nap, E and I headed down to Vivo to catch The Wedding Game. Apart from having to crane my neck from our second row seats, I also had to endure Erwin Nah's incessant groanings. Okay, the show had its cheesy bits but it honestly wasn't that bad! But I have to admit it wasn't that good either... haha.
The highlight of my day (or of my sister's entertainment) however would have to be the beyond mortifying act I did before I headed home. I honestly don't know why I did something so rude and... weird. Oh God, I am strange!
恭喜发财 everybody!
It's been my most traditional Lunar New Year to date because... I went jostling with the crowds at Chinatown last night! The initial plan was to head down at late 10ish when the hawkers start slashing the prices and to usher in the new year at midnight, but my mom informed me that the new year actually starts at 11pm. I've always been told not to wash my hair on the first day of the new year as it signified washing away bad luck, but I've never practised it because it makes me feel unclean. However, since I've already gone all out with the new clothes and red undies this year, I figured that I'd might as well go all the way this year. That meant that I had to be home with my hair washed before 11pm.
So CH and I squeezed our way into the packed alleys at 9ish after our individual reunions dinners, and I had lots of fun soaking in the festive atmosphere. The air was cool, the crowds were happy, and the hawkers were going all out with their sales rhymes. “一块,一块, 通通都卖一块。 一块, 一块,连我也卖一块!” That last bit had the aunties giggling. I went a tad overboard with the mochi buying, and ended up lugging home two boxes plus a huge plastic bag of assorted flavors. A huge bowl of them will be the centerpiece tomorrow at our annual open house.
Earlier this evening after morning visitings and my afternoon nap, E and I headed down to Vivo to catch The Wedding Game. Apart from having to crane my neck from our second row seats, I also had to endure Erwin Nah's incessant groanings. Okay, the show had its cheesy bits but it honestly wasn't that bad! But I have to admit it wasn't that good either... haha.
The highlight of my day (or of my sister's entertainment) however would have to be the beyond mortifying act I did before I headed home. I honestly don't know why I did something so rude and... weird. Oh God, I am strange!
恭喜发财 everybody!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Peranakan pride
Peranakan pride
Every year's reunion dinner would be characterized by my aunt and uncle's argument about whose achar (pickled vegetables) tasted better.
Uncle: You cannot follow the recipe exactly, you must taste and change it here and there. Then it won't be so thick/bland/sweet.
Auntie: How can you not follow the recipe. I always follow the recipe. Where got thick? You ask them. I prefer mine to yours.
My uncle dropped by early one morning last week, bearing a huge pot of achar, and my aunt informed me that she was preparing a vegetarian version of the side-dish this year. I was surprised. Has the unbroken tradition come to an unresolved standstill?
Several more of our usual festive preparations have altered over the years. My family apparently didn't go visiting on the first day of the last Lunar New Year as my uncle and I were both abroad. My mom also altered the arrangements of our yearly open-house party on the second day. The dishes will now be presented buffet style so people no longer have to queue to sit at the dining table. One of our relatives who always sends us pots of flowers in return for traditional Peranakan achar will also not be doing so this year (because my aunt's not making any!) and my folks will be going down to the nursery tomorrow to stock up on festive blooms. No more anticipating the 5pm call on Chinese New Year's eve to go downstairs to lug the flowers up. The clincher however has to be that this year's reunion dinner would not be held at home, but at my brother's restaurant. Some changes are undeniably for the better (like mom's buffet idea), but some (like the change of venue) I'm sure I'll miss.
The festive feeling is still very much in the air though. The women of the house (excluding me haha) have been up early scrubbing and baking the past few weeks - new curtains are hung, containers of homemade cookies crowd the coffee table, and unpacked boxes are shoved under beds. I suppose it is a reminder that things are never written in stone, and that I should enjoy the Khoo way of ushering in the New Year, whatever the favored method.
The holiday mood has also been evident in the office these past few days. Pineapple tarts and other New Year goodies are passed around, and oranges have been distributed for good luck. I've been going for proper lunches now that the magazine's gone to print, and Yaya and I have taken to visiting the Arab Street area during our break. Shaun also popped by yesterday and his penchant for Peranakan food made him the perfect companion to check out the bar/Peranakan café across the street with. I think we've finally regained the firm footing in our friendship after our cute but seemingly unwise decision to date a couple of years ago, and I'm very glad to have my SOS back.
And this has been my third consecutive happy week, since 2009 started actually. I always seem to find something to laugh and smile about everyday, despite inconsequential glitches like E (no, not Erwin) the bitch and my wobbly work-life balance.
Three weeknights out are still a little taxing and I must admit that downing mojitos with my sis after watching Cinderella last night wasn't my smartest move this week. I honestly lost track of time, while she naively thought I didn't have to work today. The thought of heading straight to bed after work was extremely tempting, but I'm glad I dragged myself down to the extremely noisy steamboat reunion dinner with the PR babes.
Oh my, it's Chinese New Year in less than three days! Guess I gotta dedicate part of my Saturday to finally spring cleaning. Now why am I even feeling happy about that...
Every year's reunion dinner would be characterized by my aunt and uncle's argument about whose achar (pickled vegetables) tasted better.
Uncle: You cannot follow the recipe exactly, you must taste and change it here and there. Then it won't be so thick/bland/sweet.
Auntie: How can you not follow the recipe. I always follow the recipe. Where got thick? You ask them. I prefer mine to yours.
My uncle dropped by early one morning last week, bearing a huge pot of achar, and my aunt informed me that she was preparing a vegetarian version of the side-dish this year. I was surprised. Has the unbroken tradition come to an unresolved standstill?
Several more of our usual festive preparations have altered over the years. My family apparently didn't go visiting on the first day of the last Lunar New Year as my uncle and I were both abroad. My mom also altered the arrangements of our yearly open-house party on the second day. The dishes will now be presented buffet style so people no longer have to queue to sit at the dining table. One of our relatives who always sends us pots of flowers in return for traditional Peranakan achar will also not be doing so this year (because my aunt's not making any!) and my folks will be going down to the nursery tomorrow to stock up on festive blooms. No more anticipating the 5pm call on Chinese New Year's eve to go downstairs to lug the flowers up. The clincher however has to be that this year's reunion dinner would not be held at home, but at my brother's restaurant. Some changes are undeniably for the better (like mom's buffet idea), but some (like the change of venue) I'm sure I'll miss.
The festive feeling is still very much in the air though. The women of the house (excluding me haha) have been up early scrubbing and baking the past few weeks - new curtains are hung, containers of homemade cookies crowd the coffee table, and unpacked boxes are shoved under beds. I suppose it is a reminder that things are never written in stone, and that I should enjoy the Khoo way of ushering in the New Year, whatever the favored method.
The holiday mood has also been evident in the office these past few days. Pineapple tarts and other New Year goodies are passed around, and oranges have been distributed for good luck. I've been going for proper lunches now that the magazine's gone to print, and Yaya and I have taken to visiting the Arab Street area during our break. Shaun also popped by yesterday and his penchant for Peranakan food made him the perfect companion to check out the bar/Peranakan café across the street with. I think we've finally regained the firm footing in our friendship after our cute but seemingly unwise decision to date a couple of years ago, and I'm very glad to have my SOS back.
And this has been my third consecutive happy week, since 2009 started actually. I always seem to find something to laugh and smile about everyday, despite inconsequential glitches like E (no, not Erwin) the bitch and my wobbly work-life balance.
Three weeknights out are still a little taxing and I must admit that downing mojitos with my sis after watching Cinderella last night wasn't my smartest move this week. I honestly lost track of time, while she naively thought I didn't have to work today. The thought of heading straight to bed after work was extremely tempting, but I'm glad I dragged myself down to the extremely noisy steamboat reunion dinner with the PR babes.
Oh my, it's Chinese New Year in less than three days! Guess I gotta dedicate part of my Saturday to finally spring cleaning. Now why am I even feeling happy about that...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
平凡中的美味
平凡中的美味
If I haven't already mentioned this to you in passing, or if you haven't already figured it out by now: I am working on improving my Mandarin.
I grew up around people who thought it was cool to speak lousy Mandarin, and where getting a D or flunking the subject was thought to be a hoot and something we even bragged about. We listened only to Western pop and conversed only in English, and it didn't help either that my dad and aunt spoke Malay as a second language. I think we foolishly believed that we were English elitists.
I can't explain what brought about this change, but I suppose a combination of factors jolted me awake. There was that week in Shanghai when I struggled with conversing fluently in Mandarin, and then there's the ongoing challenge to translate simple terms in English to my nine-year-old piano kids each week. But perhaps at the root of it all, it took being with someone from an entirely different culture to make me embrace my own.
There were several instances in France where I felt shunned because I was Asian, and I don't think I've ever been so aware of my own ethnicity before that. I admit that it wasn't the greatest feeling, but it did make me realize how proud I was to be who I am.
I like our food, our superstitions, and the inexplicable mish-mash of customs that come with a Peranakan-Cantonese marriage. I have even grown to like the things I'd disregarded or which used to grate on my nerves: my sister's loud Cantonese, my mom's insistent superstitions and the hustle and bustle in the family kitchen weeks before the Chinese New Year. Even the crowds at Chinatown jamming up the roads don't bother me. Instead, I find the array of bright lights, chattering hawkers and jostling families extremely festive.
I mentioned that I didn't know what it was that brought about this monumental ease of being, but I am guessing that I do now. I've embraced who I am, and the odd characters who make up my family. I think we have all tried to be somebody else at some point in our lives, but I've learnt to see myself through my family's eyes, and I love being the person they love. I'm seeing the familiar through a renewed perspective, and that shift in perspective has allowed me to find joy in the tiniest details, like my mom laughing at my weirdly accented Cantonese in the mornings.
And that my friends, to quote Smiling Pasta, is 平凡中的美味 (the beauty in the ordinary).
If I haven't already mentioned this to you in passing, or if you haven't already figured it out by now: I am working on improving my Mandarin.
I grew up around people who thought it was cool to speak lousy Mandarin, and where getting a D or flunking the subject was thought to be a hoot and something we even bragged about. We listened only to Western pop and conversed only in English, and it didn't help either that my dad and aunt spoke Malay as a second language. I think we foolishly believed that we were English elitists.
I can't explain what brought about this change, but I suppose a combination of factors jolted me awake. There was that week in Shanghai when I struggled with conversing fluently in Mandarin, and then there's the ongoing challenge to translate simple terms in English to my nine-year-old piano kids each week. But perhaps at the root of it all, it took being with someone from an entirely different culture to make me embrace my own.
There were several instances in France where I felt shunned because I was Asian, and I don't think I've ever been so aware of my own ethnicity before that. I admit that it wasn't the greatest feeling, but it did make me realize how proud I was to be who I am.
I like our food, our superstitions, and the inexplicable mish-mash of customs that come with a Peranakan-Cantonese marriage. I have even grown to like the things I'd disregarded or which used to grate on my nerves: my sister's loud Cantonese, my mom's insistent superstitions and the hustle and bustle in the family kitchen weeks before the Chinese New Year. Even the crowds at Chinatown jamming up the roads don't bother me. Instead, I find the array of bright lights, chattering hawkers and jostling families extremely festive.
I mentioned that I didn't know what it was that brought about this monumental ease of being, but I am guessing that I do now. I've embraced who I am, and the odd characters who make up my family. I think we have all tried to be somebody else at some point in our lives, but I've learnt to see myself through my family's eyes, and I love being the person they love. I'm seeing the familiar through a renewed perspective, and that shift in perspective has allowed me to find joy in the tiniest details, like my mom laughing at my weirdly accented Cantonese in the mornings.
And that my friends, to quote Smiling Pasta, is 平凡中的美味 (the beauty in the ordinary).
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Embracing what's mine.
Embracing what's mine.
I'm just done watching Smiling Pasta for the second time, and I haven't been this caught up in an idol drama since 2001 (I was an unwilling victim of the Meteor Garden fever). Apart from the melodrama and "awww" factor which I admit had me hooked, what also captivated me was how similar the female lead's family was to mine. Watching the drama tangibilized the parallels and made me realize just how fortunate I am.
Okay, so my family neither owns a pasta shop nor do they cheer me on with pompoms as I run a marathon (thank God); but just like in the drama, helping me out is always a family affair.
For example, a wardrobe crisis early last week had me running to G2000 on Monday night and returning home with three pairs of unaltered pants. Early Tuesday morning, my aunt was asking if I wanted her to bring them to the tailor, my sis was whipping out her pair of fabric scissors, and my mom had her reading glasses on, all ready to sew.
I've been in and out of this house for the past 22 years, but I've only truly begun to understand and appreciate the true meaning of a home.
It's where I can always return to, after fun, heartache, or a jaunt across the globe.
Where the light is always left on for me when I stay out late, and the doors are always open.
Where I am never judged, and the best is always thought of me.
Where differences always ironed out, and grudges never last.
This Chinese New Year, the one thing I am truly thankful of and the one thing I can truly embrace, is their unconditional love.
How about you?
I'm just done watching Smiling Pasta for the second time, and I haven't been this caught up in an idol drama since 2001 (I was an unwilling victim of the Meteor Garden fever). Apart from the melodrama and "awww" factor which I admit had me hooked, what also captivated me was how similar the female lead's family was to mine. Watching the drama tangibilized the parallels and made me realize just how fortunate I am.
Okay, so my family neither owns a pasta shop nor do they cheer me on with pompoms as I run a marathon (thank God); but just like in the drama, helping me out is always a family affair.
For example, a wardrobe crisis early last week had me running to G2000 on Monday night and returning home with three pairs of unaltered pants. Early Tuesday morning, my aunt was asking if I wanted her to bring them to the tailor, my sis was whipping out her pair of fabric scissors, and my mom had her reading glasses on, all ready to sew.
I've been in and out of this house for the past 22 years, but I've only truly begun to understand and appreciate the true meaning of a home.
It's where I can always return to, after fun, heartache, or a jaunt across the globe.
Where the light is always left on for me when I stay out late, and the doors are always open.
Where I am never judged, and the best is always thought of me.
Where differences always ironed out, and grudges never last.
This Chinese New Year, the one thing I am truly thankful of and the one thing I can truly embrace, is their unconditional love.
How about you?
Friday, December 19, 2008
The answer is 42.
The answer is 42.
Have you ever recognized the smell of change? An unusually strong breeze accompanied the evening sunshine on my way out. I slowed my pace and turned my face up to the sky for a brief moment, the smell of the wind transporting me back to evenings at Temasek Polytechnic. Gymming with Cat, strolling along the tennis courts with aching limbs and freshly washed hair, late night IG meetings, dinners at the kopitiam across the school...
My poly years didn't seem that far away, but it's actually been almost three years since graduation. My Indian exchange has apparently robbed me of all ability to keep track of time. Dinner with my CPM babes and our unchanging choice of crude topics made me feel 19 all over again, but speaking with an old friend on my way home made me realize how much I've changed.



Still gossipy, still slutty, still scandalous.
I came home, flopped onto the couch, and had a chat with my auntie with the Asian Food Channel on mute. I spoke about what I wanted, what I didn't know if I wanted, and asked her if she thought I've changed. "Since India. You've grown up, became less manja." She was the second person who'd made reference to my past tantrums that night and it made me cringe. I must have been quite a menace.
She didn't say much but when she did, her observations were astoundingly astute. "You think I don't know why you travel so much? It's because you really wanted to get away from what was happening here."
She's partially right. Traveling did start off as a need to get away, and foreign sights began as distractions to a cobweb of thoughts. Over time however, they have evolved into a ball of insatiable wanderlust at the pit of my belly. The urge to see and experience some place new seems to only grow with time, and I finally confided that I've been thinking of working abroad when I graduate, should the opportunity arise.
"But you will have to settle down eventually. You can't just keep traveling." She hasn't said it aloud in its entirety, but I know that she dreams of me getting a stable job and meeting someone who would make me settle down.
One day I would, I assured her, thinking how ironic it was that those dreams were once mine when I was 19.

picture from thescarlette.livejournal.com
I haven't got it all figured out, but maybe some things are better and more beautiful without an answer. Four more days to Bali. Though excited, a stray strand of dread unsettles me. I have thus drafted emails, and will be trusting a close friend with my mail account. Just in case.
Have you ever recognized the smell of change? An unusually strong breeze accompanied the evening sunshine on my way out. I slowed my pace and turned my face up to the sky for a brief moment, the smell of the wind transporting me back to evenings at Temasek Polytechnic. Gymming with Cat, strolling along the tennis courts with aching limbs and freshly washed hair, late night IG meetings, dinners at the kopitiam across the school...
My poly years didn't seem that far away, but it's actually been almost three years since graduation. My Indian exchange has apparently robbed me of all ability to keep track of time. Dinner with my CPM babes and our unchanging choice of crude topics made me feel 19 all over again, but speaking with an old friend on my way home made me realize how much I've changed.
Still gossipy, still slutty, still scandalous.
I came home, flopped onto the couch, and had a chat with my auntie with the Asian Food Channel on mute. I spoke about what I wanted, what I didn't know if I wanted, and asked her if she thought I've changed. "Since India. You've grown up, became less manja." She was the second person who'd made reference to my past tantrums that night and it made me cringe. I must have been quite a menace.
She didn't say much but when she did, her observations were astoundingly astute. "You think I don't know why you travel so much? It's because you really wanted to get away from what was happening here."
She's partially right. Traveling did start off as a need to get away, and foreign sights began as distractions to a cobweb of thoughts. Over time however, they have evolved into a ball of insatiable wanderlust at the pit of my belly. The urge to see and experience some place new seems to only grow with time, and I finally confided that I've been thinking of working abroad when I graduate, should the opportunity arise.
"But you will have to settle down eventually. You can't just keep traveling." She hasn't said it aloud in its entirety, but I know that she dreams of me getting a stable job and meeting someone who would make me settle down.
One day I would, I assured her, thinking how ironic it was that those dreams were once mine when I was 19.

picture from thescarlette.livejournal.com
I haven't got it all figured out, but maybe some things are better and more beautiful without an answer. Four more days to Bali. Though excited, a stray strand of dread unsettles me. I have thus drafted emails, and will be trusting a close friend with my mail account. Just in case.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Bridging rifts over chocolate and frites.
Bridging rifts over chocolate and frites.
I knew she wanted the company, and I didn't have much to do in Paris anyway, so on Tuesday night, B booked me a morning ticket to Brussels. As it was a rather last-minute booking, the price of the ticket had risen from 61 euros to 82 euros in a matter of hours. I was having second thoughts, when I saw a special offer at the bottom of the screen: First-class at 63.50 euros. I grabbed it, obviously.
And so the very next morning, I hopped on the Thalys train and sat in the first-class carriage for the 1.5 hour ride to Brussels. Service with a smile, check. Coffee and snacks, check. Leg room, check.
My journey from Gare du Midi to the Marriott Hotel was smooth, for the train station seemed a lot less complex than the one here in Paris. Neither was I extorted by the taxi driver, an honest chap who charged me exactly 8 euros for the cab ride.




My sis and I have had our differences during my growing up years, though it's hard not to when two fiery-tempered women live under the same roof. Still, being alone in Europe to see our partners has laid the basis for a final truce, and if you saw us yakking away at the cafe in Brussels, you never would have guessed that we probably wanted to strangle each other once upon a time.
Over lagsane, pasta and one too many cappucinos, we spent the good part of my first day in Brussels filling each other in on our European adventures, and comparing notes about our partners. Haha. And just before returning to the hotel, we popped by one of the supermarkets the man at the table beside us recommended, and swept the chocolate aisle clean. I'm exaggerating, but we did buy an awful load.


That evening, I finally got to meet Dieter. He was worlds apart from the serious guy I had on the phone a couple of times, but instead the kind of man who tells the funniest jokes with a straight face. I was charmed.



We had dinner at a restaurant across the street, but as the afternoon's lagsane was still swimming about in my belly, Dieter had to eat more than half of my slab of steak, on top of his cod fish dish.



We proceeded for a bit of a walk around the neighborhood, half-searching for an ATM that would show me my bank balance. There are tons of ATMs in Paris and Brussels, but they are only good for cash withdrawals. They don't even show my account balance on the receipts, so I keep taking and taking with absolutely no idea of what's left in the cashpool.




Clockwise from top left: A brightly lit friterie (Belgian chip shop), one of the countless Asian restaurants in the neighborhood, the Irish pub at which we stopped for a night-cap.



For the first time in my 21.5 years, my sister was up and showered before me, and ready by 9:30 the next morning. I was shocked and seriously impressed. Dieter is good for her. Haha.


Peeping out of the window, we gauged it to be a cool day what with the passers-by wrapped in coats and scarves. I was adamant about not wearing my jeans, so I pulled on shorts, a knit top and my trusty scarf, and out we went for breakfast.



My sis satisfied her usual cheese and coffee craving with a huge-ass cheese baguette sandwich, while I satiated my sweet tooth with the croissant breakfast. The owner gave us a huge basket of mini conserves: Nutella, fig jam, marmalade, honey, apricot jam, blueberry jam... which we were too polite to abuse initially. However, when he didn't come around to collect the basket after five minutes, we went crazy and dabbed a little of each conserve on each bite of croissant. Yum.



We roamed the streets semi-aimlessly, trying to locate the Grand Place but getting side-tracked with the many gourmet food shops along the way.




Check out the assortment of beers. I was in a tizzy, and we spent way too long deliberating on a bottle of beer each to take back for the men.



We finally made it to the Grand Place, a square surrounded by gorgeous gold-trimmed architecture. It was grand alright, and way too tall and big to be digitally captured in all its glory.





There were way too many chocolate specialty shops in the area. These are the shots from Neuhaus, taken in secret when the salesperson was on the phone.



Chocolate fountains beckoned and tempted from almost every window, and each shop specialized in their own handmade delights.




There was the Godiva shop, which we didn't go into for we were starting to suffer from chocolate sensory overload. But we did pop into a cosy chocolate shop that had all the different currencies tacked to its wall, and an elfin salesgirl who reminded me of the movie Chocolat. If only wealth was measured in our love for chocolate. I'd be a billionaire.


We found the Museum of Chocolate after receiving some help from a few very helpful waiters, but we told to return in 45 minutes as the demonstrators were on their lunch break. So, we went for ours - coffee and Belgian waffles. If you think Gelare's waffles are good, Belgian waffles are orgasmic.






The Museum of Chocolate was nothing much to rave about, except that I now know the importance behind 31 and 40 degree celsius. The dresses pictured above are all made from chocolate.


Lavender and ginger chocolate. I bought the lavender, which Romain, Marine, B and I shared over drinks last night. All of us gave it the thumbs up, except B. As Romain described, it almost feels like we're eating chocolates and smelling lavender flowers at the same time. What a sensory pleasure. I should have bought a couple more when I was in Belgium, for Marine told me that they cost almost twice here in Paris.



We walked around somemore, and looked longingly at pastries we couldn't stomach with our full bellies. We were walking past an Indonesian-Indian tapestries shop, when I mentioned that I would like my home to look like that: rich colors, dark wood and bronze statues. My crazy sister looked at me and said, "Don't so exotic can. I don't want to visit next time and you serve me wheatgerm bread which you say you baked." I still don't quite see the link, but that line had us dissolving into giggles right outside a bakery selling wheatgerm bread.


We passed by more waffle shops displaying the honey-colored pastry topped with luscious strawberries, sliced bananas and drizzled with warm chocolate sauce. I wished there and then that I had two stomachs and the metabolism of a lion. After walking around in the cold for a couple more hours, we finally sat down to absolutely yummy Belgian fries at the cafe just opposite the hotel. And once again, we were stuffed when it came to dinner time, and Dieter had to content with beer and fries at the hotel lounge, for it was raining too heavily to head out for dinner.


I like my sister's cheeky botak man.
After a pint, it was time to leave rainy Brussels for Paris. I hopped on the first-class carriage again, and was out cold until just before the train arrived at Paris Nord. I hopped off, and the first thing B asked after kissing me hello was "Baby, are you drunk?" Hic. Oops.
I knew she wanted the company, and I didn't have much to do in Paris anyway, so on Tuesday night, B booked me a morning ticket to Brussels. As it was a rather last-minute booking, the price of the ticket had risen from 61 euros to 82 euros in a matter of hours. I was having second thoughts, when I saw a special offer at the bottom of the screen: First-class at 63.50 euros. I grabbed it, obviously.
And so the very next morning, I hopped on the Thalys train and sat in the first-class carriage for the 1.5 hour ride to Brussels. Service with a smile, check. Coffee and snacks, check. Leg room, check.
My journey from Gare du Midi to the Marriott Hotel was smooth, for the train station seemed a lot less complex than the one here in Paris. Neither was I extorted by the taxi driver, an honest chap who charged me exactly 8 euros for the cab ride.
My sis and I have had our differences during my growing up years, though it's hard not to when two fiery-tempered women live under the same roof. Still, being alone in Europe to see our partners has laid the basis for a final truce, and if you saw us yakking away at the cafe in Brussels, you never would have guessed that we probably wanted to strangle each other once upon a time.
Over lagsane, pasta and one too many cappucinos, we spent the good part of my first day in Brussels filling each other in on our European adventures, and comparing notes about our partners. Haha. And just before returning to the hotel, we popped by one of the supermarkets the man at the table beside us recommended, and swept the chocolate aisle clean. I'm exaggerating, but we did buy an awful load.
That evening, I finally got to meet Dieter. He was worlds apart from the serious guy I had on the phone a couple of times, but instead the kind of man who tells the funniest jokes with a straight face. I was charmed.
We had dinner at a restaurant across the street, but as the afternoon's lagsane was still swimming about in my belly, Dieter had to eat more than half of my slab of steak, on top of his cod fish dish.
We proceeded for a bit of a walk around the neighborhood, half-searching for an ATM that would show me my bank balance. There are tons of ATMs in Paris and Brussels, but they are only good for cash withdrawals. They don't even show my account balance on the receipts, so I keep taking and taking with absolutely no idea of what's left in the cashpool.
Clockwise from top left: A brightly lit friterie (Belgian chip shop), one of the countless Asian restaurants in the neighborhood, the Irish pub at which we stopped for a night-cap.
For the first time in my 21.5 years, my sister was up and showered before me, and ready by 9:30 the next morning. I was shocked and seriously impressed. Dieter is good for her. Haha.
Peeping out of the window, we gauged it to be a cool day what with the passers-by wrapped in coats and scarves. I was adamant about not wearing my jeans, so I pulled on shorts, a knit top and my trusty scarf, and out we went for breakfast.
My sis satisfied her usual cheese and coffee craving with a huge-ass cheese baguette sandwich, while I satiated my sweet tooth with the croissant breakfast. The owner gave us a huge basket of mini conserves: Nutella, fig jam, marmalade, honey, apricot jam, blueberry jam... which we were too polite to abuse initially. However, when he didn't come around to collect the basket after five minutes, we went crazy and dabbed a little of each conserve on each bite of croissant. Yum.
We roamed the streets semi-aimlessly, trying to locate the Grand Place but getting side-tracked with the many gourmet food shops along the way.
Check out the assortment of beers. I was in a tizzy, and we spent way too long deliberating on a bottle of beer each to take back for the men.
We finally made it to the Grand Place, a square surrounded by gorgeous gold-trimmed architecture. It was grand alright, and way too tall and big to be digitally captured in all its glory.
There were way too many chocolate specialty shops in the area. These are the shots from Neuhaus, taken in secret when the salesperson was on the phone.
Chocolate fountains beckoned and tempted from almost every window, and each shop specialized in their own handmade delights.
There was the Godiva shop, which we didn't go into for we were starting to suffer from chocolate sensory overload. But we did pop into a cosy chocolate shop that had all the different currencies tacked to its wall, and an elfin salesgirl who reminded me of the movie Chocolat. If only wealth was measured in our love for chocolate. I'd be a billionaire.
We found the Museum of Chocolate after receiving some help from a few very helpful waiters, but we told to return in 45 minutes as the demonstrators were on their lunch break. So, we went for ours - coffee and Belgian waffles. If you think Gelare's waffles are good, Belgian waffles are orgasmic.
The Museum of Chocolate was nothing much to rave about, except that I now know the importance behind 31 and 40 degree celsius. The dresses pictured above are all made from chocolate.
Lavender and ginger chocolate. I bought the lavender, which Romain, Marine, B and I shared over drinks last night. All of us gave it the thumbs up, except B. As Romain described, it almost feels like we're eating chocolates and smelling lavender flowers at the same time. What a sensory pleasure. I should have bought a couple more when I was in Belgium, for Marine told me that they cost almost twice here in Paris.
We walked around somemore, and looked longingly at pastries we couldn't stomach with our full bellies. We were walking past an Indonesian-Indian tapestries shop, when I mentioned that I would like my home to look like that: rich colors, dark wood and bronze statues. My crazy sister looked at me and said, "Don't so exotic can. I don't want to visit next time and you serve me wheatgerm bread which you say you baked." I still don't quite see the link, but that line had us dissolving into giggles right outside a bakery selling wheatgerm bread.
We passed by more waffle shops displaying the honey-colored pastry topped with luscious strawberries, sliced bananas and drizzled with warm chocolate sauce. I wished there and then that I had two stomachs and the metabolism of a lion. After walking around in the cold for a couple more hours, we finally sat down to absolutely yummy Belgian fries at the cafe just opposite the hotel. And once again, we were stuffed when it came to dinner time, and Dieter had to content with beer and fries at the hotel lounge, for it was raining too heavily to head out for dinner.
I like my sister's cheeky botak man.
After a pint, it was time to leave rainy Brussels for Paris. I hopped on the first-class carriage again, and was out cold until just before the train arrived at Paris Nord. I hopped off, and the first thing B asked after kissing me hello was "Baby, are you drunk?" Hic. Oops.
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