Little miracles.

There we were back at the same table. Mentors and juniors; past and present. It's been way too long, but the entire gang finally gathered last night over a hell lot of bubbly and laughter. Heartfelt speeches were made, tears were shed, and too many IKEA glasses were broken.

It didn't seem that long ago that we'd all come together to work towards the same goal, a group of seemingly different women united by our shared love for publishing. The hopes and dreams that brought us together may have since changed, but last night was an affirmation that the friendships and bonds are made to last.

I started out 17 months ago hoping just for decent colleagues, but I've come away with so much more. Isn't publishing amazing? :)

"We are light bulbs in the electrical system of the universe."

The past month has been tough, very tough indeed. I've done the mental equivalent of climbing mountains and slaying dragons, and my spirit is worn and weary. I like to think the worst is over, but do dragons ever die, or do they only sleep?

I'd never been in this dark a place for so long a time, and it was a scary, scary place to be. A twisted wonderland of confusion where clouds of illusion and deceit swirled around me, nibbling at my soul and putting my core values to the test. There were times when I wished there was a greater power I could turn to. After riding on an endless merry-go-round of what-ifs, all I wanted to do was to thrust my decision into the hands of a more enlightened being. But to shirk the responsibility of shaping my life is a bit of a cop out, isn't it?

I ultimately fell back on the non-religion that's always worked best for me – catharsis. I don't doubt that I would have found some peace of mind sitting in a church or a temple, but it was through verbalising my innermost demons to the priests and priestesses of my heart that I got the clarity I needed.

However, this whole dark spell did get me thinking about religion, and I'm gonna go out on a limb here and try to tangibilise my often abstract notions. As much as I live life more by my personal rules of karma and goodwill than a particular faith, I do believe in God. I just haven't decided what form my God takes, or if he/she/it should even take any. Instead, I like to believe that God is within all of us.

Coincidentally enough, right after I'd exhausted all forms of catharsis and finally arrived at a decision, my colleague returned me my copy of Sarah McDonald's Holy Cow, which he'd been holding on to for several months. A few nights later, I thumbed idly through the book and started re-reading it from a middle chapter, and a particular paragraph jumped off the page. In it, McDonald was discussing Hinduism and the concept of God.

"God is not a judgemental giant sitting up in heaven, it's a force within us all – we are light bulbs in the electrical system of the universe."

See, I always knew that if push came to shove and I had to choose a religion to save my life, I'd pick Hinduism.

Sangria sober.

For ten days I've mulled, moped and fought mental wars. Heck, I even contemplated going to sit in a church in search of a sign, an indication of sorts that my decision would be the right one.

I finally experienced my moment of clarity today, after I downed my happy hour drink a little too quickly in the temple of booze. Ironically, through my tears, my answer was as clear as day. And my head and heart finally sang the same tune.

Booze may not the answer to all questions, but sangria gave me the answer to mine. Here goes nothing. Salud!

Desired things.

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up. Adulthood seemed to hold so many colourful, exciting things that were out of reach of my tiny grubby hands. Every birthday was a step closer to that bright future (and a reason for me to have my friends over to eat cake and stomp on balloons); every birthday was a chance to dream up a new fairytale. When I was 16, I couldn't wait to be 18. I wanted to be able to drink, drive and party. And when I was 18, I couldn't wait to be 21, to watch R(A) movies, get married on a whim and oh, whatever it is to be a legal adult.

Well, adulthood really isn't quite what a five-year-old me imagined it to be. You see, apart from all the drab realities that come with it, being an adult gives you choice, power and opportunities. Dreams are all they are when you're five – if I wanted to be a teacher, all I had to do was lay out my Barbie dolls and wobble about in my sister's stilettos acting all grown up. My flight stewardess career could wait until tomorrow. Fast forward 20 years, and I am actually able to do something to attain my dream, whatever it now is. But with great power comes great responsibility. No, I kid you not. Knowing that I have the choice and the power to change and shape my life whenever and however I want to scares me, because I desperately want to do the right thing; because I am a slave to calculating opportunity costs. And ironically, power leaves me feeling a little powerless sometimes, too.

Am I having a quarter life crisis? That may explain the restlessness brewing inside me, the growing need to charge journeys, seek clarity and chase the dream, however fluid and murky it currently may be. And I will. Or it would be an awful waste of adulthood, wouldn't it?


Desiderata
Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly,
and listen to others;
even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labours and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.